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I tried at least five different branches of different bank brands before I had success.
Online banking was set up for me at the ATM by a member of staff.
Reader update (2017): James opened an account at the Paragon branch.
He took a copy of their requirements web page as evidence, showed his passport, and a letter proving his pension earnings.
So before you trudge around town and get frustrated as hell, read this post and see which bank is most likely to work best for your situation.
What I've done is documented my experiences with the various banks, and provided their requirements below.